*ROFL* that's fantastic....

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

This is really stupid!!!! I'm posting it here because I wasted 3.5 minutes on it so now someone else can. There is a surprise ending!!!! If you have the mentality of a toddler, you might like it.

 

I coudldn't make it more than 50 seconds without cutting it off. I wish I could find the source, but I once read (I think it may have been inMaxim) a quote that went something like this: "Searching for something good on youtube is like panning for gold in a river of sewage." I thought it was a pretty accurate statement.

 

Haha...this is something one of my buddies put on youtube. It happened about an hour before an Ole Miss football game a few years ago. The two guys in the video are good friends of mine. The big guy was one of my groomsmen. Enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8-lREjFi7U

 

so you missed the surprise ending???? haha .... I knew someone would click on that link!!!

 

Some jokes from my friends over at clubsciontc.com

************************************************** **********************

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"



The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the %@*& out of a ghost."

************************************************** **************************


So there is a funeral, and four guys are carrying the coffin to the cemetery. one of these four guys is John, who has a dog with a leach on one of his hands(carrying the coffin with the other hand), and behind them there is a very, very, long line of people walking behind them. So as they are walking to get to the cemetery, a guy walking down the street notices what’s going on, and asks John (the guy with the dog)

Guy: Who’s in the coffin??

John: my mother-in-law

Guy: she must have been a much loved person look at all the people walking to the cemetery with you, and I’m guessing that was her dog??

John: no, no, no!! Make no mistake, this is my dog, but I got to tell you; he's very vicious, it killed my mother-in-law in an "unfortunate" incident.

The guy starts thinking about how much he hates his mother-in-law and says; "do u think I could borrow your dog for a day??"

John, pointing at all the people behind them, looks at him and says; "get in line"

************************************************** ****************************************


The secret to a happy marriage.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead
*I SHOUTED* at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that! Are you crazy?" She looked at ME, and quietly said,
"That's once."
"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

************************************************** ************************************

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

************************************************** *******************************************


ok so 3 vampires walk into a bar...
the first vampire goes, "bartender, give me a "real" bloody marry." and the bartender does as he asks.
the seconds vampire goes, "bartender, give me a shot of whiskey and a shot of blood, on the rocks." and the bartender does as he asks.
the third vampire goes, "bartender, give me a cup of hot water." the bartender is like, "what? dont you want something with blood or something like that?". the vampire then pulls out a tampon and says, "nah, i just need some hot water for my tea."


************************************************** ******************************************


An alcoholic works at Cape Canaveral/Cape Kennedy, Florida. He drinks on the job to the point that it is interfering with his work. Finally, the boss tells him he cannot drink anymore while he is working. He is directed to put his booze in a supply cabinet at the beginning of the shift then pick it up at the end of the shift. Fine.
That evening, he sits down to relax and drank the whole bottle of booze. After the last sip, he realizes he had picked up the wrong bottle. He had just drank a whole bottle of rocket fuel! ! ! Frantically he called his doctor. "Doctor, Doctor, help me! I just drank a bottle of rocket fuel. Please help me! I'm going to die"
"Calm down,calm down." the Doctor replied. "Are you sick, are you having any symptoms?"
"NO, I feel fine," said the guy.
"Well, then try to relax and go back to bed. If you have any problems, call me" said the Doctor. With relief, the guy calmed down and went to bed.
About 4:00 AM that morning, the guy called the doctor.
"Ok, what is gong on?" asked the Doctor.
"Doctor, help me. I just farted"! ! ! !
"WHAT? You called me at 4:00 AM in the morning just to tell me you farted?" said the Doctor.
"You don't understand, Doctor. I'm in Chicago!!!


************************************************** **********************************


Two guys go camping in the woods for the weekend. They are walking through the wilderness when all of a sudden one of them yells out in a painful cry! AHHHHHHHHH! The second guy turns around and asks WHAT HAPPENED? The first guy replied, "A snake just bit me on my private area! What am I going to do?" The second guy says "Just stay calm, I will call a doctor and see what we should do." So the guy calls a doctor and says "Doc, my friend and I were hiking in the wilderness and he got bit by a snake what should I do?" The doctor calmly replies, "It's simple your friend will be fine all you have to do is suck the venom out!" So he hangs up and his friend asks him "What did the doctor say?" The guy looks at him with a serious face and replies "Dude, you're going to DIE!"


************************************************** ******************************************


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your *** in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."


************************************************** ******************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


************************************************** ********************************************


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, I would really love to give you one and I feel awful not fulfilling your wish, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,"Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him," I was walking past your bedroom last night and heard
you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!


************************************************** ********************************


Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."


************************************************** *******************************


Its Christmas morning around 5am, and little Billy is so excited that he can't wait any longer for his parents to wake up, so he runs downstairs to see if Santa paid him a visit. When he turns the corner his attention is caught by the greatest gift he's ever seen. Sitting in front of him is a shiny brand new tricycle with a big red bow on it. Billy is so excited that he ignores all of the other gifts, grabs his hat and coat, and takes his brand new tricycle for a ride outside. He's peddled up and down the sidewalk a few times when he sees a police officer on horseback waiving him over. Beeming with pride, Billy peddles over to the officer to show off his new present. When he reaches the officer, he asks Billy, "Hey there little boy, did Santa bring you that new tricycle?"
"He sure did officer. Isn't it great?"
The officer replies as he starts filling out a piece of paper, "It sure is nice, but next year you should make sure you remind Santa to put the reflectors on the back, so I won't have to write you another ticket." And with that he hands Billy the citation.
Billy looks at the ticket and then up to the officer and asks, "Hey officer, that horse looks new, did Santa bring that for you?"
Playing along, the officer replies, "Well yes he did, why do you ask?"
Billy looks up at the officer and smiles, "Well next year, make sure you remind Santa to put the dick on the bottom!"


************************************************** ******************************************


A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


************************************************** *****************************************


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'



************************************************** ***************************************


One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!"

"What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender.

"No way...you get violent when you drink."



************************************************** ****************************


The farm VS the marines:

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant , pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice


************************************************** *****************************************


True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:" At the bottom of the page!

















"ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR".



************************************************** ****************************


So a hillbilly couple were married, had their reception, and departed for their honeymoon. They get to their hotel and begin prepare. The new bride goes in to the bathroom to slip into something a little more comfortable, and the groom begins to undress and waits patiently on the bed. After a few minutes the bride emerges wearing her sexiest lingerie and proclaims, "Here I am, baby. All yours. Untouched by any man!"

The new groom gets a look of disgust and confusion on his face, puts his clothes back on, and drives straight home. Upon getting back to the house his father was concerned and asked what had happened. After relaying the story, his father looked at him and said, "Son, you did the right thing. If she wasn't good enough for her family, then she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"


************************************************** ****************************************


Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.�
The husband says “WHAT??�

The wife says, “You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.�

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let’s get it.�

The wife is jumping up and down – she’s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on.

She says “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.� The husband says, “No - no - no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.� The wife’s face goes blank, “No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.�

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.�



************************************************** ***************************************


Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good. After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?'

The woman replies, 'It's Jim, the midget'.


************************************************** **************************************


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!". The guy says "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


************************************************** ***************************************


'Tea for Daddy'

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge.

I was maybe 1 and a half years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one

of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the

evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when

I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After

several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came

home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring

him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup

of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it

ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water

is the toilet??'


************************************************** **************************************


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"



************************************************** **************************************


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"


And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.�


************************************************** **************************************


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


************************************************** **************************************


A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."


************************************************** **************************************


Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday." ...


************************************************** **************************************


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks. ‘What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex'.

'Oh I see,' replied the boy. 'Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.


With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.......'


************************************************** **************************************


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


************************************************** **************************************


Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"


************************************************** **************************************


Doctor's Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


************************************************** **************************************


Girls Night Out

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


************************************************** **************************************


The parrot


A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little? , she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi, Keith!'


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Why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .

'Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.


'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing m ore worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME.'


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What if Microsoft made our cars!

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

 

the one with the ugly baby is the BEST, i laguhed pretty hard at that one...and im at work. The one about the clock is pretty good too.

 

hahaha.. they are good!